(I just put Beyonce in there to make people click on this (PLZ LOVE ME))
Friends are important, kids. College is big and scary and our moms and cats aren’t here so pretty much our entire emotional support system is gone. In order to survive college without crying in our beds and scrolling through Yik-Yak all night we must make friends to cry in beds and scroll through Yik-Yak with. If you’re new to the college experience or not new and just still clueless after like four semesters, I’m here for you man. All shiny-eyed (because crying) and saggy-tailed college students have an unspoken understanding that somewhere on the internet the answer to all their college problems awaits. Somewhere in the bowels of the collective conscious of humanity thrown haphazardly in a pile of mush and hatred, the secret to success lies in store for one worthy enough to extract it. Guess what. SEARCH NO FURTHER, MORTAL. I MADE THIS FOR YOU.
THE 6 FRIENDS YOU NEED IN COLLEGE
1. THE MOM
Super essential. Like, the most essential. Don’t just look to girls as viable candidates, GBFs and boys that were raised with a lot of sisters will do. The Mom will force you to eat breakfast and wash your laundry and remind you to do your dishes and clean behind your ears so nothing weird grows back there. The Mom will be there to pet your eyebrows when some girl/boy acts like a tool or you ate too many cupcakes for dinner again. The Mom will not necessarily look matronly, don’t be deceived. They are often fashionable and well-organized, and they’ll volunteer to be your DD or drag you out of ditches that you probably fell in after a night out. The Mom will replace your rival’s mascara with glue in the middle of the night for you. The Mom will never let you down. If you’re a Freshman and don’t currently possess a Mom, don’t worry. You won’t be a Freshman for long. You’ll be The Ghost of Freshman Past all too soon.
2. THE SLACKER
The no. 1 mistake that many ambitious college students make is to only surround themselves with over-achievers like themselves. No matter how determined you are to be the star pupil your grandma thinks you are, you need The Slacker for survival. Without someone to binge-eat Cheetos with you in your room with the door locked, you’d be lost navigating on a sea of salad-eating tryhards. Literally no matter how great a student you think you are, if you don’t have someone who’ll watch America’s Next Top Model with you in the middle of the night and weep over the magnificence of Tyra Banks when you have a final in the morning, you can kiss happiness goodbye. The constant stress and perfection anxiety will eat away at you like some kind of chemical eating stuff and you’ll go from Smeagol to Gollum super fast and not in the cute way. The Slacker will probably be wearing some kind of awesome sneakers and have minimal make-up. The Slacker will also almost always have snacks or require snacks. The Slacker will save your life.
3. THE STUDY BUDDY
The counterpart of The Slacker is The Study Buddy. The Slacker is like literally impossible to study with, this being a necessary function in order for The Slacker to be what he/she is. Don’t fight it. Just make sure you find yourself a Study Buddy for when the crap is getting dangerously close to hitting the proverbial fan. Study Buddies can often be picked up in libraries. They feed off the energy of the humming printers and know how to use the big, frightening staplers and how PowerPoint works. The Study Buddy is a fountain of knowledge. The Study Buddy is often grumpy but very focused and pretty much never has any fun. Some of you might be confused. You’re all like “BUT I HAVE STUDY BUDDIES AND THEY’RE SUPER FUN AND HAPPY.” You sir are studying with an impostor. Your study buddy is a poser. A true Study Buddy is miserable at all times, except when they are handed a paper with an A+ on it (Birthday ideas, anyone? You’ll be the real mvp I promise). Potential Study Buddies can be recognized by the permanent wrinkle on their foreheads and their perpetual bad eyesight. If you see someone looking miserable, check for these signs. You may have just found your very own elusive Study Buddy.
4. THE DRUNK ONE
The Drunk One is good for pretty much nothing except binge drinking (Only if you’re over 21 of course). The Drunk One’s hair will smell like beer and feel like a Barbie Doll’s from 1993. The only way you can get this friend to do anything with you is if you assure them that there’ll be alcohol there. The Drunk One will help you make friends and diffuse awkward situations in bars or parties via indecent exposure or falling over someone else’s Drunk Friend and giggling or passing out in public restrooms. Despite all this, don’t underestimate The Drunk One’s ability to be a good friend. The Drunk One will hold your hair while you puke and pat you sympathetically and help you adjust your skirt when your underwear is in danger of making its debut. The Drunk One is a great friend, but only when drunk. Which is always. Therefore The Drunk One is a great friend. The Drunk One is easy to find. Mostly because they’re really drunk (and over 21).
5. THE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER
This friend only shows up at key moments. They are never around except for when you’re lying on the floor staring up at the ceiling and depressingly eating Ramen one noodle at a time in your underwear with your thesis crumpled up next to you. This friend is like that one guy that always gives the hero a magical flute when nothing else can save him. The Motivational Speaker friend will pick you up by the scruff of your neck and pace back and forth in front of you, ranting and pointing and waving their arms and punching the air to emphasize points while you stand there with your bowl of noodles and your mouth open. The Motivational Speaker will give you a new lease on life and make you put on real clothes and eat vegetables, and they’ll help you come up with plans and lists and PowerPoints on how to succeed. The Motivational Speaker sometimes doubles as The Mom. Oddly enough, The Slacker occasionally becomes possessed and takes on this role for brief periods of time, but inevitably forgets what they were saying when My 600-lb Life comes back from commercial break.
6. THE PERSON YOU DON’T REALLY WANT TO HANG OUT WITH
There’s not really anything innately wrong with this person. You just don’t personally find them entertaining and you probably think they’re annoying. But they really, really like you and want to hang out all the time and you make up terrible excuses like “My mom brought my cat to visit” or “Zayn left One Direction and I’m crying like a 12 year old right now” so you don’t have to. This person serves a very specific function. When all other Friends are busy, The Person You Don’t Really Want To Hang Out With will be there for you. When you reaaaally want to go to some college event but don’t want to go alone and look like a pathetic damp kitten, you can text The Person You Don’t Really Want To Hang Out With and they will literally be knocking on your door 1.3 seconds later with a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils and Nutella. They also work phenomenally well when you do accidentally show up somewhere alone and looking like a pathetic damp kitten and they’re there with their real friends who aren’t buttholes like you are. They will graciously take you under their wing and will stand awkwardly in a group with you all night. Without The Person You Don’t Really Want To Hang Out With you will probably sit in your room watching Netflix while listening to everyone have fun without you.
You are now equipped with the skills you need to spot The 6 Friends You Need in College! With the expert aid of gifs and dynamite memes in order to help your pop media-soaked college brain to understand this article, I have taken on the role of the hot lady in the lake that gives you the sword to slay The Evil College Beast. Go forth and multiply! May you always have highlighters, clean socks, and Lucky Charms.